Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Katrina's Mess...a political satire

President Bush today announced an initiative designed to jumpstart the nation’s Hurricane Katrina recovery effort by putting the millions of tons of debris to good use. Supporters of the arrangement are excited about Bush’s ideas and promote the plan as a solution to one of the pressing issues facing the nation today.

In an unusual press conference just outside the White House garbage dumpster, President Bush told reporters his idea. “Katrina created over 10 million tons of debris, and that debris can be used to fuel this nation and this nation’s economy,” said Bush.

Sources close to the president explained that the Army Corps of Engineers will haul all 10 million tons of Katrina debris to Mississippi. There, the debris will be dumped into a giant hole “the size of a Texas football stadium” where it will be allowed to rot.

The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, elaborated on the president’s plan. “The methane gas produced by this decaying pile of junk will provide enough power to reduce the nation’s dependence on foreign oil by 17%. Combined with the efforts to drill new oil wells in Alaska, this could extend our nation’s energy supply for 100 more years.”

Some critics questioned the location of the methane plant. A spokesman for the White House immediately went on the counter-offensive. “This is not about politics or high-powered lobbyists exerting their influence. This location is an obvious choice. Because it’s located in Mississippi, no one will notice the smell of burning methane. This is a win-win situation.”

Experts within the administration are excited about this plan’s potential. Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman praised the idea. “With another hurricane season just around the bend, we look to this as a renewable energy source. We are predicting that future Category 3 and higher hurricanes, especially in the Gulf, will actually cause a drop in oil and gas prices. This is American ingenuity at its best.”

Another aspect of the Katrina recovery plan may move displaced homeowners from one gulf region to another. Though not announced at today’s press conference, Pentagon insiders are whispering about a Rumsfeld plan that may be in the works. Under the plan, dubbed Operation Iraqi Democracy, Americans whose homes were destroyed during the hurricane may be relocated to the Sunni Iraq town of Muqdadiyah. The thought behind the plan is that 400,000 Americans living in Muqdadiyah will bring democracy to an area dominated by insurgents. “These displaced Americans are freedom loving people. Their attitudes will be contagious. Sending them to Iraq is good for them, good for Iraq, and therefore good for this Administration.”

Other aspects of the president’s latest recovery plans leaked to the press include the possibility of tapping former Secretary of Labor Lynn Martin to spearhead a job training effort for those left unemployed in Katrina’s wake. Though no official plans have been announced, some are speculating that Martin would train the newly unemployed workers to start careers in such critical roles as Evangelical ministers, gay marriage protesters, and Walmart greeters.


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