Guest Blog: Walter Timley...Again

This is fun. Don made the mistake of giving me his login, and now I can't help myself. As always told Cousin Don he was nuts for starting this blog thing. Never much for useless babble. But it's addictive. He tells me people read what he writes, but I can't see why. He's some kind of loony leftist liberal. That's what the Orange and Blue Observer called him when he went to that school up in Chambana anyway. The only good Democracts are in prison, I always say.

Enough about him, though. I cam across something you might be interested in.

I’ve always loved a good study. I get excited when experts take a hard look at society, crunch some numbers, and tell us how and who we are.

So when my Aunt Erma told me about the Child Well-Being Index, my ears perked up.

I didn’t know there was such a thing as a Child Well-Being Index. Aunt Erma assured me there was. It comes from Duke University, but Erma promised me the Lacrosse Team had nothing to do with the study.

Aunt Erma asked me to read the report. I learned early on in life not to say no to Aunt Erma, so I read.

As you might expect, the folks behind this study---the people at the Foundation for Child Development---were mostly interested in what our kids are up to.

My parents were the same way. Always nosing into my business. But these Foundation people are professionals, so I took no offense.

According to their work, today’s teens commit fewer crimes than their parents did. They have lower pregnancy and binge-drinking rates as well.

I put the article down and told Aunt Erma about this. She’d read the article, and she looked like she wanted to slap me for telling her what she already knew.

She asked me what I thought was behind this good news.

“Better kids these days,” I said.

I mentioned that today’s kids were smarter than their parents, what with the Internet and all. I told her Don might say that the government programs of the 90’s, more police and teachers and such probably had something to do with it, too.

“Baloney!”

I thought Aunt Erma’s dentures were going to pop out of her mouth.

“I know the truth behind this good news.”

I didn’t need to ask her to explain. I knew she would answer my question whether I asked it or not.

“It’s simple. Today’s kids are fatter than ever. It’s right there in the report. Obesity rates have increased dramatically.”

I checked the article. She was right.

“Fat kids don’t commit much crime. They don’t want to put the effort into running from the cops.”

Aunt Erma always did make sense.

“Today’s kids might not binge drink like their moms and dads did, but only because their hands are too full of potato chips and chocolate bars to open the can of Old Milwaukee.”

“As for the pregnancy rate, well, the fat kid in my school was always the last to get asked to the prom, if you know what I mean.”

I knew what she meant.

Aunt Erma got me to thinking. This Child-Well Being Index may be on to something. If having obese kids can solve all of these problems, maybe instead of teaching sex ed and passing out condoms in schools, we should just give the kids free donuts every morning. I'll have to ask Don when he gets back, though I bet he'll suggest raising taxes to start some kind of Child Fitness Program. Such a Loony Leftist!